Today i realized i slightly resent my friends... Slightly, i use lightly.. And its not all my friends.
Cause, we don't talk much since HE became my boyfriend, and at first thought its cause we get so wrapped-up in each other we forget all else. But i've realized its cause my friends don't wanna get to know HIM. They've already labelled HIM and put HIM in a mould, that they don't see HIM as i do, even remotely. They ask, "Hey, how's the Boyfriend?" but they really don't care or wanna know.. Am not the if-you-don't-like-my-man-i-hate-you typa person, but if you don't even try to get to know HIM, even if its cause you wanna know what i like or whatever, then now how's that gonna work? What's funny is, i've sat and listened to many of them talk about there significant others MANY TIMES-and didn't mind at all-jus thought i'd be able to do the same with my HIM... But cause HE ain't from 'their crew' they don't care. HE even got saved, and none of my christian buddies wanted to talk to HIM show HIM a thing or two about Jesus. Nah, they're like "why can't HE talk to so one else?" What tha Heck??!! Can't even be happy that someone has found The Lord. Maybe am overreacting (is that supposed to be one word? Yah, looks right, or not?) but i've always felt like i have to work so much harder than most to keep my friendship with 'those friends' going.. But am done, cause i care for HIM soo much more. Plus, there's only so much i can do.. so ama loose some friends, probably already have.. But hey, at least i got HIM... And my 'other' group of friends.
...this post is weird, not sure i've written it as i wish it to be interpreted.. Am not bitter or anything, jus tired and done.
17.9.09
NEW TOP!!! Tralalalalala.. :)
So today bought THE COOLEST BLUE/PURPLE TOP EVER!!! Just the right amount of cleavage.. Bare back, but not scandalas-shows jus abit of my tatoo.. Its cool!! Plus, it hids my 'little' pooch! Can't wait to wear it in coast... WOOP!! WOOP!!! COAST!!!!
Going to coast with some classmates and am SOOO EXCITED!!! Never been to coast, except with family... So glad to get wasted, get high and get laid in the humidity...!!!
..at work, was asigned to 'a site' ..uh-huh, CONSTRUCTION SITE!!!! I do architecture, so i learn a lot... But its weird, cause am not a 'fundi' so being on site the whole day is...nini! But other than the BLAZING SUN and the HORRIFIC lavatories is cool, am having fun... Can wear what i want (offcourse gats to be 'site-friendly' so TECHNICALLY isn't ANYTHING i want.) My day starts around 10, and can leave as i please, plus its close to home.. Not next door, but close enough. So its quite a bargain.
...ok, now back to the mirror to stare at my AMAZING NEW TOP!!!
Going to coast with some classmates and am SOOO EXCITED!!! Never been to coast, except with family... So glad to get wasted, get high and get laid in the humidity...!!!
..at work, was asigned to 'a site' ..uh-huh, CONSTRUCTION SITE!!!! I do architecture, so i learn a lot... But its weird, cause am not a 'fundi' so being on site the whole day is...nini! But other than the BLAZING SUN and the HORRIFIC lavatories is cool, am having fun... Can wear what i want (offcourse gats to be 'site-friendly' so TECHNICALLY isn't ANYTHING i want.) My day starts around 10, and can leave as i please, plus its close to home.. Not next door, but close enough. So its quite a bargain.
...ok, now back to the mirror to stare at my AMAZING NEW TOP!!!
11.9.09
:)
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now.. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business..
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
.....thanx KahawaHot!
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now.. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business..
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
.....thanx KahawaHot!
10.9.09
today's strange...familiar
Its a random thursday.... and i feel how i did when i was 17... SAD, for NO particular REASON. 17 was my all time low (thus far).... was also the year i took approx. 20pills... obviously today isn't that bad... Jus coming and going-making sure to keep busy..
Just read a blog where someone wanted to write a letter to their past self.. what would i say???
RUN, BITCH!!! RUN!!
Ok, i don't totaly HATE who i am or who am becoming... i just don't like some aspects...
Looking back, 17-year-old-depressed-me thought 20-year-old-me would be a better person...
Maybe shoulda taken a few more pills... think then i was the best version of myself... or at least heading there.
Just read a blog where someone wanted to write a letter to their past self.. what would i say???
RUN, BITCH!!! RUN!!
Ok, i don't totaly HATE who i am or who am becoming... i just don't like some aspects...
Looking back, 17-year-old-depressed-me thought 20-year-old-me would be a better person...
Maybe shoulda taken a few more pills... think then i was the best version of myself... or at least heading there.
5.9.09
4.9.09
:'(
CRAP, this morning had a semi fight with HIM..
Was kinda stranded this morning, and there was on where to buy credit.. So needed HIM to buy some (from where HE was) and send it to me. Told HIM to hurry or it would beat the purpose. So am sitting there in the cold (..get the visual..cold..stranded..in the morning..7AM.. uh-huh, i want you to side with me) Then HE calls to say he just got dressed.. asking me why am giving HIM orders like that.... WHAT THA HELL??!! When my phone vibrated i thought he was calling to ask if i had gotten the credit HE was to send... Your dressed???!!! Really? GOOD FOR YOU... So am i.. PUNK!! Askin me why am giving him orders...WHAT THA FREAKING HELL????!!! Amid my emegency you want me to go like "Morning Babe, how'd you sleep? was wondering if you could please..." GO HANG!!!! Needed something done, needed you to say if can do it, if not i look for someone who can.
So am mad cause now HE's all hyper-sensitive and I STILL DON'T HAVE CREDIT!!!! But i hear some STUPID mushy song on the radio..and i wanna talk to HIM (stupid stupid).. So i EVENTUALLY get credit and call HIM.. Wanna say morning nicely, ask how HE's doing..maybe squeeze in that HE needs to ralax with the sensitivity..
But no..
HE's still all touchy touchy..YUCK!!
So we argue AGAIN-number two and a half, and i haven't even reached the office yet..i don't need this...neither does HE (kinda)
"..your not listening.."
"i am. am just trying to say.."
"no. but i think..."
I hang up..
Am pissed, but this is all so STUPID!!
Five minutes later i find my hands picking up my phone (i swear they were possesed) and my thumd begins to work...
"..don't wanna fight"
SEND
..i HATE this disease i caught.. i hate this feeling that follows me around...don't wanna LOVE no more!!!
...its crushing my pride!!!
...mushy song on the radio again...AM NOT GONNA CALL HIM AM NOT GONNA CALL HIM NOT GONNA..
Was kinda stranded this morning, and there was on where to buy credit.. So needed HIM to buy some (from where HE was) and send it to me. Told HIM to hurry or it would beat the purpose. So am sitting there in the cold (..get the visual..cold..stranded..in the morning..7AM.. uh-huh, i want you to side with me) Then HE calls to say he just got dressed.. asking me why am giving HIM orders like that.... WHAT THA HELL??!! When my phone vibrated i thought he was calling to ask if i had gotten the credit HE was to send... Your dressed???!!! Really? GOOD FOR YOU... So am i.. PUNK!! Askin me why am giving him orders...WHAT THA FREAKING HELL????!!! Amid my emegency you want me to go like "Morning Babe, how'd you sleep? was wondering if you could please..." GO HANG!!!! Needed something done, needed you to say if can do it, if not i look for someone who can.
So am mad cause now HE's all hyper-sensitive and I STILL DON'T HAVE CREDIT!!!! But i hear some STUPID mushy song on the radio..and i wanna talk to HIM (stupid stupid).. So i EVENTUALLY get credit and call HIM.. Wanna say morning nicely, ask how HE's doing..maybe squeeze in that HE needs to ralax with the sensitivity..
But no..
HE's still all touchy touchy..YUCK!!
So we argue AGAIN-number two and a half, and i haven't even reached the office yet..i don't need this...neither does HE (kinda)
"..your not listening.."
"i am. am just trying to say.."
"no. but i think..."
I hang up..
Am pissed, but this is all so STUPID!!
Five minutes later i find my hands picking up my phone (i swear they were possesed) and my thumd begins to work...
"..don't wanna fight"
SEND
..i HATE this disease i caught.. i hate this feeling that follows me around...don't wanna LOVE no more!!!
...its crushing my pride!!!
...mushy song on the radio again...AM NOT GONNA CALL HIM AM NOT GONNA CALL HIM NOT GONNA..
3.9.09
..both roles!!!
HE recently got saved..YAAY!!!! And am the one who taked to him about God.. even though i've strayed a bit (omit 'a bit')i miss God, as ironic or strange as that may seem, i miss God. So when HE made this decision, i was extatic!!!! Showed HIM who to talk to, what to read, what to do.. And went on about how that journey is gonna be phenomenal for HIM.
Now, what's messed-up is that i am also the one on top, screaming his name.. saying am cuming.
....how am i gonna play both roles...??
Now, what's messed-up is that i am also the one on top, screaming his name.. saying am cuming.
....how am i gonna play both roles...??
Am at work before 7am.... On totally unrelated matters...
Yesterday i met this guy, he's an artist...paintings and stuff am not sure, he does stuff on comps, not like graphic design (altho' that's cool too) but like videos, photos, animations...cool beans!!
And he graduated from uni with a degree in FINE ART!!! Asin COOL BEANS, when i grow up... :)
Enyhoo, we talked; going on and on about paper, colours, paint, pencils.. you know? that stuff. And i felt like an artist again, cause was just rumbling on and on.. This dude understood why i would salivate over a packet of CRAYOLA colours. Spoke of poetry and music (this got me missing my 'fro, although that is a bit pretencious of me)
I wanted to paint, etch, colour, write... i wanted to draw.
...but i haven't drawn or written this whole year. Have a metre or two of CANVAS, untouched. Don't support deforestation anymore-keeping this book of poetry and that book of poetry.
i cannot call myself an artist anymore, but i know i should be one.. Lakini saying 'Hi! Am -- and am an Artist' sounds so..lack of a better nini..high and mighty, or is it self-righteous..you know what i mean-sitting on that ever so high horse; And i think an artist, when it comes to there work, should exercise loads of humility-leaves room for impovement.
its weird like i've compartmentalized (is that a word?) myself. Like there is this version of me, but also that version of me.. not saying am a skitso... or change to that me or this me based on circumstances.. Just saying...urrm.. what was i saying?
And he graduated from uni with a degree in FINE ART!!! Asin COOL BEANS, when i grow up... :)
Enyhoo, we talked; going on and on about paper, colours, paint, pencils.. you know? that stuff. And i felt like an artist again, cause was just rumbling on and on.. This dude understood why i would salivate over a packet of CRAYOLA colours. Spoke of poetry and music (this got me missing my 'fro, although that is a bit pretencious of me)
I wanted to paint, etch, colour, write... i wanted to draw.
...but i haven't drawn or written this whole year. Have a metre or two of CANVAS, untouched. Don't support deforestation anymore-keeping this book of poetry and that book of poetry.
i cannot call myself an artist anymore, but i know i should be one.. Lakini saying 'Hi! Am -- and am an Artist' sounds so..lack of a better nini..high and mighty, or is it self-righteous..you know what i mean-sitting on that ever so high horse; And i think an artist, when it comes to there work, should exercise loads of humility-leaves room for impovement.
its weird like i've compartmentalized (is that a word?) myself. Like there is this version of me, but also that version of me.. not saying am a skitso... or change to that me or this me based on circumstances.. Just saying...urrm.. what was i saying?
2.9.09
..mmmmhhh...
...if i close my eyes and remember, i can feel you inside me... throbbing.. pushing.. pulling.. Mmmmh, and that get's me wet.. Just like i know it gets you hard.
...i wanna
i wanna cook for him
i wanna wait on him
i wanna fight for him
i wanna let my fingers all over his body..
i wanna admire that spot where neck meets chest,
where pelvic meets thigh
i wanna kiss him
i wanna sex him...really good :)
i wanna touch
i wanna hold him
i wanna take care of him
i wanna make him happy
...i wanna blog about him all the time
i wanna wait on him
i wanna fight for him
i wanna let my fingers all over his body..
i wanna admire that spot where neck meets chest,
where pelvic meets thigh
i wanna kiss him
i wanna sex him...really good :)
i wanna touch
i wanna hold him
i wanna take care of him
i wanna make him happy
...i wanna blog about him all the time
He's got me...
He's got me twisted...
wanting to take care of him,
in everyway.
He's got me all wound-up
wanting to be with him,
all the time.
-
wanting to take care of him,
in everyway.
He's got me all wound-up
wanting to be with him,
all the time.
-
1.9.09
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